Good on Paper

Ever since I was young, I’ve had a 5 year plan for everything.

Planning is my default. You give me a destination and I can map it with the best of them. But then you grow up and realize that are so many variables to the whole thing.

Bathroom stops.
Where to eat.
North route or south route.

I don’t make moves until I have enough information … until the solution feels insanely clear. That doesn’t mean that the solution has to be comfortable, just clear.

Three years ago I felt in the stirrings of my soul that I needed to leave my job. I had two businesses, a full time job, and a host of obligations. I didn’t wanna give on any of them, but I had to.

God asked me to leave.

It’s okay if you think I’m crazy. Half the time I say it out loud and I think so too. The other half of the time, I don’t say it out loud because I’m afraid of what people will think when I do. So I say it made sense to leave or try to fit the “I was so glad I got to be my own boss” narrative.

But the opposite was true. I kinda went kicking and screaming … or at least deeply sobbing because my job was a place of joy, fulfillment, purpose, and community for me.

Here we are three years later … and I feel led to go back to work … in an office … with other people … maybe even full time.

And right as I felt that, I found the perfect job.

It fit my skills, my background, and my passion. My first interviews went fast. Then … nothing … for three weeks … someone else got it.

But it’s okay. I found another perfect job. Again it fit my skills, my background, and things I love. I had two interviews and said I’d hear back in a week … crickets … I’m assuming now two weeks later that I wasn’t the right fit.

And it got me thinking about being “good on paper.” Because if I’m being honest, I’ve applied for 12 jobs. I’ve landed interviews for half of them.

Heck, I’ve got one today, one tomorrow, and one the next day for three different jobs. I know that to have access to all those interviews and opportunities is a straight up privilege.

But as one job after another falls through the cracks, I had to wonder … Am I just good on paper? Is that the skill I’ve learned all these years? And where else is it in my life that I’m focused on the paper and not on the depth of reality?

The answer terrifies me. Because I know that it’s most of the areas of my life.

Life is a big checklist for me. My Christian life is often no different.

I learn expectations. I meet expectations. Repeat.

I often live as though my singular aim is to get out of life without a major blotch than to do all I can and be okay with mistakes along the way.

Today in my Bible reading from the history books of the Bible followed the split of the Northern and Southern Kingdoms in Israel following David’s descendants.

And God continually called David his servant who obeyed everything God asked him … except in the affair of Uriah.

Actual. Words. Said. in. the. Bible.

That blotch follows him around. Forever.

In my Sunday School class in high school, the teacher asked us to name some things we think of when we hear the name David.

Goliath
Solomon’s dad
Danced

Then I’m the Debbie Downer that said, “Um, adultery?”

You know, because that kind of blotch is my biggest fear. But David is also called a “man after God’s own heart.”

How can a person be that good on paper that’s covered with an ink stain?

In fact, I find myself asking that a lot when I look at the Hall of Faith in Hebrews 11 and compare the actual people to their stories. Blotches abound in that group.

Noah … got too drunk
Abraham … gave his wife to Pharaoh
Jacob … tricked his brother out of his birthright
Moses … yelled a lot and disobeyed God’s orders
Rahab … a prostitute

Yet none of them are known by their blotches. So then, what — spiritually speaking — makes one “good on paper”?

What good so outweighs the bad that it turns the blotch to near invisible ink?

I’m also terrified of this answer. Because I know it’s faith.

It’s faith that compels action. The kind that pushes you to do crazy things because you believe God — not just what he says but who he is.

My 5 year plan now?

First of all, for the record, I actually hate that question and try to avoid it at all costs in an interview. But if they were to ask me, I think I’d say now …

I want to know God so deeply that he shapes me into a person who is counted of good faith, and that I will take work daily to foster that relationship and to act on that faith … wherever he takes me.